A chilling sensation that's gripping the nation!
ANGEL CHILDREN
Angel children can appear anywhere at any time! Protection lies only in preparation! (And, apparently, in extreme overuse of exclamation points to make everything I say more exciting!) Fortunately, angel children are easy to recognize and avoid once one knows their common characteristics.
THE COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF YOUR DARKEST NIGHTMARE:
Angel children have four dominant traits:
1. Charm. Angel children have unnatural amounts of charisma. They draw people to them like mosquitos to a blood source, only in the end, the angel child will feed off of its minions rather than the other way around. Angel children may attract followers via extremely distraught backstories, delicate constitutions, being oppressed in some form or another, etc.
2. Apparent Perfection. Be advised: angel children are not perfect, because no one is perfect. However, angel children are, among other things, excellent actors/actresses, so they know how to put on the guise of being good at everything (or at least good enough at something so as to overshadow failures in other areas). Angel children, in addition to being good at everything, usually have one special talent that trumps all others. Related to this talent is some kind of Unattainable Dream around which the angel child's life revolves. Nothing matters that is not somehow related to reaching The Dream, and minions will be made to feel terrible if they waste their energy on something unrelated to The Dream, usually via excessive crying.
3. Cockiness. Angel children expect everything in life to be handed to them on silver platters; if it is not, the angel child's entire composure will be crushed, and the crusher will be made to feel like a terrible nasty ice bitch. Angel children radiate overconfidence, which is usually rewarded when poor unsuspecting bystanders fall prey to the angel child's charm, thereby feeding the angel child's insatiable hunger for jumping on the heads of everyone else in order to attain The Dream.
4. Manipulativeness. What makes angel children so diabolical is how they turn against even their most loyal followers if said followers do not volunteer to help advance The Dream. Anyone who wishes only to bask in the angel child's glory will find himself the subject of intense ridicule and fun-poking. Angel children do not exist to be friendly or kind; they exist only to further their own sinister Dreams, which are of course unattainable, so the angel children only end up wallowing in self-pity while their minions soothe their wounded egos.
CAUTION! THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF ANGEL CHILDREN! THEY ARE NOT ALL INHERENTLY EVIL!
Type A
The most dangerous type of angel child. Type A angel children are angel children by choice. Their terrible plotting little selves cannot be saved, only destroyed. Burning at the stake is preferable.
Type B
Type B angel children are usually the victims of Type As. They have learned the ways of the angel children and found them too strong to resist. Type B angel children can be reintroduced into normal society without fear of harming those around them after going through intense treatment procedures.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE AN ANGEL CHILD ON YOUR HANDS? IS HE/SHE...
-lacking in personality?
-fond of overworking him/herself?
-centering his/her life around an Unattainable Dream?
-forming a circle of fawning minions?
-mean to non-minions for no reason at all?
-unnaturally charming?
-always getting what he/she wants?
-prone to temper tantrums when things do not go his/her way?
-every teacher's favorite?
-reasonably popular?
-making other people jealous?
-freakishly attractive in every way to everyone but you?
If your suspect possesses five or more of these traits, you may be in the presence of an angel child! Quick, save yourself! Wear appropriate protective clothing. Distance yourself from the angel child. Do not speak to him/her unless absolutely necessary. Find allies to help you discredit the angel child. Always carry mace.
Armed with knowledge, you too can help save the world from this terrible menace.
(I feel really, really trippy after writing that, yet liberated at the same time. *brandishes mace*
Die, angel children. Die.)
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