1. First and foremost, make sure that you have absolutely no foundation for your dispute. Arguments that can't be backed up always win over the more logical ones.
2. Only complain about things other people do when you yourself can't do them. For example, it makes perfect sense for you to complain about someone else's dancing when you are a horrible dancer yourself.
3. Further your case with rude comments, especially if you are in the presence of one of your opponent's best friends. No one ever passes on information that they hear. This is why there are no rumors in the world.
4. Complain not because you actually have a legitimate grievance but rather because someone else told you to think a certain way. Free-thinking never did any good for anyone.
5. No matter what, do not confront your opponent face to face, as this might result in the dispute actually being resolved peacefully.
6. Accentuate your verbal attacks with dramatic eye rolls, sighs, and groans, as acting like a five-year-old will make you appear more credible.
7. Complain about your opponent while they are within earshot, but, as stated in rule #5, do not actually confront him or her. You risk being considered mature and civil.
8. The best arguments consist of one main point stated in as few words as possible. An excellent example is "OMG, she just sucks." Bonus points if every word is under five letters.
9. Never, ever question your original judgment. Stick by your arguments, even if your opponent procures incriminating evidence against you. There is no possibility that you might actually be wrong.
10. Seek allies who will not question your arguments. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
And, because I really do wish to help you, one last thing.
11. Do not think that your opponent might have allies of his/her own. Do not think that they will ever find out about what you are doing. The likelihood of this happening is so minimal that there is no point even discussing it.
(You. Yes you.
Watch your back.)
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